A Personal Journey, Week 6: One Day and Three Ways to Cry
Oct 25, 2017
I’m going to be straight up with you all… this week sucked.
- I just couldn’t find the time, money, or energy to make my awesome, healthy lunches, let alone fit a BKB class into my hectic schedule.
- Construction started in the apartment above mine and the workers had me and my poor anxious doggie friend up super early. Every. Single. Morning.
- More than a few events didn’t go as planned this week, which lead me to stress out…and stress eat.
On top of that, midway through what felt like a dumpster fire of a week, I did my weekly weigh in and discovered I had gone up two pounds. I was so sore and exhausted, both physically and mentally. I didn’t understand…how could I have gone up two pounds??
I thought I’d outgrown being the kind of person who cries when I’m feeling overwhelmed. But by the time Thursday morning rolled around I found myself curled up in a ball on my bed, doing just that.
That… completely overwhelmed and feeling hopeless so the tears just won’t stop; a kid right before it’s nap time and you’re completely exhausted so everything feels so loud and big and awful and you just sob and sob… kind of crying.
That was the first time I cried that day.
So there I was, crying into my pillow with the clock ticking a second-by-second reminder to get to work. I blew my nose, threw on a pair of sunglasses, and hopped on my bike. I slogged through my day feeling pretty awful, and around lunch time, I checked Facebook.
I had made a silly post, earlier, asking people to post gifs that described what it’s like to be my friend (After the morning I had I needed a “pick me up” and figured it would drum up some laughs). I was reading through some comments, and sandwiched between two silly gifs came across this…
I barely got through the third line before my eyes welled up with tears of gratitude from the support of my community. There I was, feeling hopeless about myself and my fitness goals, all stemming from a tiny weight gain (I mean, come on! That was likely just my muscles getting “swole” right?), and this instantly made all that go away.
That was the second time I cried that day.
Later in the evening I was setting up an event and a woman was brought over to me from the front desk. I realized that as a result of my hectic week, I had forgotten I was scheduled to take the mother of our former Route Setting Director, Phil Schaal, for a tour of our facility. Phil passed away very suddenly last year. He lived and breathed BKB, and his passing was a huge loss to both our team and our community. Phil’s mother wanted to visit all the places that meant so much to him. When she became emotional, so did I. I cried those silent tears of loss and tenderness.
That was the third time I cried that day.
With having had no time to attend a class or service, I wasn’t sure what to write. Last week was filled with breakthroughs and positive feelings. And while it’s great to share those wins, it’s valuable to share the tough moments, too.
The path to health and wellness isn’t easy. If it was, it wouldn’t be worthwhile.
I’m going to cry from being overwhelmed and I will shed tears from moments of tenderness and gratitude, alike. There will be tough days that turn into tough weeks, and bumps in the road will feel like mountains. But I’m going to be honest with myself about MY journey while promising myself I will keep moving. Keep trying. Keep pushing.
I encourage anyone who reads this to forgive yourself when you fall, and get back on the wall.
Today, with the encouragement of a few coworkers, I got back on the wall and I climbed my first 5.7. It was the win I needed this week. If I had let my exhaustion get the better of me and not gotten back up there I wouldn’t have known I could climb 5.7. After all that crying the day before, the perma-smile from those post climb endorphins rushing through my body was a welcome change.
I might not be able to lift a coffee cup tomorrow, but right now? Right now I feel like Wonder Woman.